My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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