Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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