pop tarts are not kleenex
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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