if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize