The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
being pregnant is like rehab
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
