Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
