Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
