I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
