i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
