i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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