i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
only you would photoshop your dick
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
