im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Randomize
