I'm laying in your front yard are you home
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
