U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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