he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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