I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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