Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
