Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
