turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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