Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize