it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize