They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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