Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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