my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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