Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize