is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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