At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
