I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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