I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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