Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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