I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize