I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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