So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
