My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
