Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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