just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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