The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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