I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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