Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
