Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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