I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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