Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
