in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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