Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
