I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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