dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
