oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
