She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
