I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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