jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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