i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
