i was born a porn star she said
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
