I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
