birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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