he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
