Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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