between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
