I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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