And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The uberlube is also flammable
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
