he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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