I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
