Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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