yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
