I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
