Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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