kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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