they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
