This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
