She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
