Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
