I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
