She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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