he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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