o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
